Toilets are Unbiblical

I grew up in a religious tradition, the Churches of Christ (Restoration Movement), that emphasized God’s original intent, for example:

1. God’s original intent for the church was a simple congregational group led by elders in every congregation. Therefore denominational hierarchy is unbibilical.

2. God’s original intent is one man for one woman, therefore divorce is unbiblical, as well as homosexuality and transgender.

3. Worship in the New Testament church was originally singing acapella accompanied by the heart, therefore any other instruments of music are unbiblical and unauthorized by God.

Using this logic I have discovered that the sit-down flush toilet is unbiblical.

crapperThe individual flush toilet is a fairly recent invention of humanity, originating in 1596, and becoming popular in the 1800s, and mass produced in England by a man named Thomas CrapperRoman Latrine. The Romans had a similar idea for their public latrines during the time of Christ, 2000 years ago. The Romans used a sit down arrangement in a row, with the normal holes for poop
ing and peeing, with running water below, that ran into the sewer lines. I’m sure this design lowered the disease rates in their major cities. The first water flushing latrines were used in the Indus Valley (Pakistan) in 2600 B.C., but flush toilets have been for richer societies for the most part, and the majority of people worldwide, even if they have flush toilets, use squat toilets in the floor of the bathroom.

Squat positionBefore the use of the flush toilet or the sit-down latrine, people squatted, usually above a pit latrine. Squatting, according to experts in scatology, is the healthiest way to poop, and, according to some theoscatologists (a new word I coined), is the original intent of God.  We were created to squat while pooping. The apostle Paul, when trying to persuade his readers of particular points in his theology sometimes appealed to Nature. Nature has taught us that our sit-down pooping is unhealthy for us.

Squat-toilet-with-tankFor instance hemorrhoids are a western phenomenon, only common in sit-down toilet societies. The position of sitting while defecating increases strain on the colon three hundred percent (yes, they measured the pressure in the colon for this statistic). Sit-down toilets, constipation and appendicitis have also been closely associated in western sit-down toilet societies, as has Crohn’s Disease, all of which are lower in non-sit-down societies.

Squatty PottyWhen I lived in Africa each home had a separate servant’s quarters with a bathroom. The shower and toilet in the servant’s quarters were all one contraption, the toilet bowl being buried level with the floor of the shower, requiring squatting for elimination. A chain was pulled for flushing, the water flowing through the shower head, and draining into the toilet bowl buried level with the floor.

So my conclusion is that God, in creating humans, originally intended us to squat while pooping. Any other method of pooping is unbiblical.

The Seventh Day Adventists have long regarded natural health
as something that God has commanded us to take seriously.

[Edit: The apostle Paul disapproves of homosexual sex in Romans chapter one, capping his disapproval with the words: “and received in themselves the due penalty for their error” (possibly referring to diseases associated with male homosexual sex). If evangelicals take these verses literally for today, then they should also take any practice that has been shown to increase disease, as a sinful practice: cigarette smoking, tobacco chewing, increased sugar and simple carbohydrate consumption, suntanning, and sitting on a toilet to defecate.]

One of the main problems with squatting while pooping is that pants get in the way. This could be why we never read of pants in the Bible, another innovation that has ruined our health and taken us away from God’s original plan for humanity.

I write this partially as humor, but also to challenge our thinking about what preconceptions we bring to the Bible when we read, and to think about God and the Bible from a broader perspective.

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About Mark

I was raised in the conservative non-institutional churches of Christ and attended Florida College in Tampa, Florida. I served as a minister for 8 years in the non-institutional churches of Christ, and 4 years at a mainline church of Christ in Vermont.
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7 Responses to Toilets are Unbiblical

  1. Darla says:

    I have held to the belief that little red brick churches with white trim are not New Testament, either. Since moving to TN, I see them dotting the countryside with equally non-biblical signage “Church of Christ.” Why ignore that 1st century Christians met in house churches? My heart is saddened for those trapped in such legalism.
    A CoC elder had a column in our weekly newspaper. One topic was the error of any picture or video of Jesus smiling – it’s not in the NT! Can one even imagine that Jesus did not smile when he welcomed children or held one up as an example? (Mat. 18, 19)

    • Mark says:

      If that elder were to start using a Squatty Potty to stop constipating, would he be more in the mood to allow Jesus to smile in pictures?

  2. Gary Cummings says:

    Jesus did smile and laugh and dance. What kind of toilets did they have in Israel in the New Testament days? We had better find out, so we can tell the COC what NT example to follow in regards to toileting. In the meantime, they had better use outhouses behind the church or do their business at their home toilet before church.

    • Mark says:

      I can just hear my parents now: “Why didn’t you go before we left?”

      • Gary Cummings says:

        My dad used to say when I was young and went on car trips. Then he would stop the car and make me squat on the side of the road, hidden by the car door on one side and him on the other. He made me squat, so at least he was Biblical.

  3. Ugh, I’m SO disappointed in you Bible Scholars! Know ye not that when it comes to Biblical toiletry the Bible is clear:
    Deuteronomy 23:12-14
    “You shall have a place outside the camp, and you shall go out to it. And you shall have a trowel with your tools, and when you sit down outside, you shall dig a hole with it and turn back and cover up your excrement. Because the Lord your God walks in the midst of your camp…”
    🙂

    Now please…”go” in peace.

  4. David Lile says:

    I grew up in Northeast Ohio. I grew up, as a child, in the instrumental Church of Christ/Christian church. I also attended Kentucky Christian University and left my senior year. I nearly became a icoC pastor. I have not been in the icoC for about 40 years now. I have often thought, humorously of course, what you shared about flush toilets. If they did not have something in “Bible Times” and thus, we should not use that item/service/utility today, why then, do they then have electric, AC, dry erase boards, computers, AND of course, flush toilets and even more luxuries. I am very thankful and blessed where I presently am with my Lord.

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